Letter to my doctor

Dr L –

When I discovered that I was pregnant with twins, I was extremely disappointed that I would not be able to use my midwife and birthing center. You knew, coming from that type of environment what I expected my birth to be like.

I must admit, I chose the hospital and then I chose you. I knew I wanted my boys to be born at Texas Children’s Pavilion for Women. I heard such wonderful things about this place and the staff. I wanted to use one of the midwives, but they were booked. I then tried to get in with Dr Dryden (even you called her a superstar) but she was also booked. I heard from a few doulas that you had been the Dr on call when they were there and you were very hands off. I was accepted into your program. You seemed so young and fresh, I didn’t know whether to be terrified or excited.

You agreed that as long as Baby A was head down, we were going to have a vaginal birth. You agreed to give Baby B up to 2hrs to decide to come on his own. You agreed to intermittent monitoring. Then the closer we got to their birth day, you started to take it all back. You said Baby B could have just a couple of minutes to come or you would go in and pull him out. You said you must have been tired the day you agreed to intermittent monitoring because “all twin births must have continual monitoring”. Then when Baby A started having extra fluid, you said that you didn’t feel comfortable with a vaginal birth even if he was head down.

I started prepping myself for the possibility of a c-section. I asked about a gentle cesarean. You seemed excited, and agreed to slowly walking the babies out to help expel fluid from their lungs, delayed cord cutting (until they stopped pulsing) and babies straight to my chest for skin to skin.

Baby A stayed transverse and I agreed to a c-section. The morning of, we went over the gentle cesarean again. You agreed to all of it again. 20minutes later I was in the OR and the curtain was up. You and the nurses completely ignored me, and spent this time talking about YOUR vacations, YOUR new pet. No attempt was made to include me. I think you and the staff forget that this is a once in a lifetime event for us. Just how vulnerable you feel, naked and terrified. I was worried about my babies. Baby A with his extra fluid, possibly having learning disabilities, Baby B with his club feet. I was hoping this was all that was wrong with them. We were so lucky in this regard.

This is when you hurt me the most. I’m pretty sure you yanked those babies out. (Baby B spent the next three days choking on fluid as it slowly came out of his lungs.) Baby A was out and handed off to a nurse within seconds. When I said “I thought we were going to delay cutting the cord” You said “I did” (I know how long it takes a cord to stop pulsing) Baby B was out and off to a nurse 2 minutes later. (Obviously no delayed cord cutting). By the time the nurses finished with the boys, they were swaddled and the only skin to skin I got was our cheeks next to each other.

newborn twinsPeople like to say that a healthy mom and healthy babies are the most important thing but disagree. The experience you have on that day can determine if you end up with PPD or PTSD. These are things that people don’t talk about, but they are very real. These experiences are important.

I’m angry with you Dr L. If you couldn’t or didn’t want to do what we spoke about, I wish you would have just said so. To build up my hopes that this once in a lifetime experience for me would be made special and then to lie in an attempt to deceive me. I’m very disgusted with you. You took a strong person and made me feel completely helpless. How dare you.

You work for ME.

I hired you.

I don’t use the word “hate” lightly but I truly believe that I hate you.

This entry was posted in Houston Twin Birth Story, houston twin pregnancy, Letter to my Doctor and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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